Roll Call

He's gone ... He's gone ... He's gone ... It was like some sort of roll call as the eleven of us volunteers met in the Kythe office of National Children's Hospital before our usual Thursday rounds and asked about the babies and kids we had previously interacted or in my case PLAYED with. Five year old Angelo, that lively spirited boy I played 'slap the hand' game with (entry dated August 27) and which made him roll over with laughter each time, finally died. The Kythe officer simply said "He's gone". After one year of being the most popular kid on the block. In fact the nurses said he had grown makulit and spoiled after one year -- he would always want more toys than what was given him. May sungay na, they said. But now I wish I had given him more toys. Spoiled? These kids will never grow up to be spoiled. In fact they won't even have the chance to grow up! One-and-half year old King (remember him?) was in his crib when I visited the hema ward. But with an entirely different demeanor now. Where was the gurgly, smiley mabungisngis baby I met a few weeks ago? Instead I saw a listless baby, thin, with bloated tummy. Head completely bald because of the chemo. Crying, moaning while his mommy desperately tried to soothe him. Another baby named Lougie Ibarra was bleeding profusely from his ankle, where the needle of the dextrose had pricked him earlier that morning. The blood spurted continuously as mommy pressed the little piece of gauze against the wound, telling me about his low platelet count and how Lougie used to be such a cute lively baby just one month ago, before they found out about his leukemia. Now the eyes were sunken against deep, blackblue eyebags, and he was crying. Finally I was able to distract him with a set of building blocks I brought. Oh he loved it! See the pic with me and his mommy, you can see the very red gauze bandage round his right ankle, but he was busy with the blocks! Next to him was John Ligurdo, also with leukemia, a feisty sort of baby, a rebel sort of, as he made a motion to throw a fistful of crayons at me when I tried to get friendly... hmm... Ah, but then there was Lawrence Gamba - a cheery, sunshiny baby (still) - busily munching away on the Jollibee fried chicken we gave him. He seemed to be in utter bliss, just focusing on that chicken piece and happy thoughts. I noticed he had the beginnings of a bloated stomach though. And then there were the older kids... Rexon Endaya so proud of the jigsaw puzzle he completed.. I watched him piece together the complicated puzzle and he beamed with pride as he held up the finished piece to me as he wanted me to take a picture. There was Marlene Ladom who I initially thought was a boy but was actually a teenage girl gone very very bald because of the chemo. She had such perseverance in working on the decorating set we gave her -- the kind where you use tweezers to pick up really tiny beads of crystal and stick them with glue around a pen or pencil or whatever it is you want to decorate. I gushed at how expertly she did it, and asked her if she could do my cellphone next time coz it was badly in need of that crystal bead covering with all its gasgas. That made her smile. Finally let me mention Knowell Placero.. the 'feeling guapo' 12 year old boy..so cute! He kept wanting me to take solo shots of him, and would view the screen each time, and ask for a re-take.

All of this left me with happy-sad-what's-this-I-feel sort of feeling as the eleven of us gathered together after the visit for our 'regrouping session' to thresh out whatever it was that was bothering us. This is important each time, otherwise we end up bursting into tears while driving home. This happened to me once. The Kythe guy said we'd get used to it. I dunno. I don't think I can bear to hear another roll call, I don't know if I can bear to hear the names of Lougie, John, Lawrence, Rexon, Marlene, Knowell, and of course King be part of that roll call. But I also feel an immense joy in knowing I made them happy for even just a few hours today. I promised them all I would see them again. Knowell and Lawrence in particular want to have copies of their pictures. Yes, please wait for me, I'll bring you all your pictures.